a lost entry

i found this old entry on one of my computers. I don’t believe I’ve ever posted it anywhere.

***

This is the first time since my mother began to explore Heaven that I’ve really been alone.

When you’re driving, you still have to think about the road. On an airplane, you’re surrounded by strangers. At your father’s house he sleep just as restlessly as you down the hall.

So here, in New Mexico of all places, I find myself alone. And this is good.

I will admit – I have been frustrated that I wasn’t at my mother’s side when she passed on. It’s so so odd to think that we live in a world that sons don’t get to see their mother’s death bed. In the days of old, the miles of distance between myself and my mother at her time of death would have been unfathomable. But there I was, playing with lights.

I’m not mad, I’m not upset that I wasn’t there. I would have liked to have been, if only because I wonder in my mind if she knew I didn’t come. If she knew I wasn’t coming. And I hate the idea that her last thoughts of me were that I wasn’t coming.

But I’m not upset, I’m not mad. I wasn’t meant to see it. And it’s kind of morbid to think that I would want to see a death. I’ve never seen a human die yet. How often does one see that experience?

The hardest part of her being gone are the little things. Having to remember not to ask to speak to mom when I call home. Remembering when her screenname shows up on AIM it’s not her… just my dad clearing up her emails and informing her friends. Remembering not to look for Goofy dolls or Elvis stuff. Remembering to say I’m visiting my dad, not my parents. And the knowledge that my wife most likely will have never met her. And that my children won’t have a grandmother on my side.

On the other hand… she’s really in Heaven. She’s really living the life we were created for. My mom had a great love for people and God. I don’t know that she was all that theologically educated. Imagine her surprise when she got to Heaven and was given a Crown of Life, a Crown of Righteousness… and whatever other crowns might have been bestown upon her.

As hard as it is to say, I don’t imagine that she’s “looking down on us.” Personally, I image my setting up a light show or editing a video is relatively uninteresting compared to the glory of God. But that’s not to say God might direct her attention to us at times…. like weddings. Like births. Like when we’re loving other people as Christ would. I don’t know how it all works. And while that’s annoying… at least I know she’s in the best hands in creation (and… um… pre-creation?).

Sigh – I think I’ll rest now. That’s something I’ve not had much of a chance to do. I guess I’ll post this when I get back into town, since I have no internet here in New Mexico. Its good sometimes to be able to truly be alone.

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