Pride War (Long Time, No Posty)

Sigh – it seems when you get out of the habit of doing things… you stop doing them.

Rec Lab is finished, out of my life… truck is back, items are back in their places and I should be getting paid tomorrow. One of these days.. when I’ve had enough distance, I’ll have to write a final closing remarks for Rec Lab 2004. One of the worst weeks of my life.

So here’s the problem with maintaining a blog…

If I’m not at a computer when I’m thinking… then it seems silly to think it all again just to get it on the website. If I’ve already worked through something in my head… why sit on those thoughts and reguritate them to the world? I’ve had many a thought in the past two weeks… just never been around a computer to put them down in text.

It’s almost a touch discouraging, because blogging really is a great way of working through thoughts… but it forces you to keep a somewhat positive outlook on things… just in case someone gets ahold of your thoughts.

So… things I have thought about…

Rec Lab – ugh. I really don’t want to get into that…

Pride – Pride’s a funny thing. Sunday I had one of those awkward moments in life… where you see someone you’ve been missing so much. You see them and you want to just run up to them, give them a hug, pick them up in the air, twirl them around…. but you hesitate and now you’re already face to face and so it’d be weird to do.

And then you start talking… and you want to say how good it is to hear their voice. How you miss their sense of humor… how things seem a touch more real around them. How they encourage your faith in God simply because you know that person… but instead you start the conversation about some meaningless thing… so it’s too late to be serious… and who really wants to let their guard down and tell someone, “hey you – you’re special. i want you in my life. please” because… what if they see you as needy? What if they say they don’t want you in theirs? What if they say, “that’s nice… but you’re freaking me out. I’ll call you later.”

And then… for whatever reason… they choose to use physical touch just to make a point… like emphaizing a syllable of a word. And sho they touch your elbow… nothing special. Nothing intimate, nothing erotic, nothing bold… a simple touch… like one might give to a friend… or even a stranger. But that touch was so unexpected that it sends what seems to be electricity up your arm and cause you both to pause for a moment. And you don’t understand so much.

And then you say an unsettling goodbye… because there’s a lull in the conversation. And you’re much to prideful to say “hey… i miss you. can we spend time together? now?” Because saying that might mean too much… i might say that you really care… and God knows we have to keep these hearts of ours guarded with a 1000 shields.

And you pull away… drive away… because in today’s society it’s so wrong to be want people in our lives. It’s so wrong to be dependant on others. It’s so wrong to want a person’s attention… we should be independant. We should be strong. And we can only give give give… it’s so wrong to take from someone. So wrong.

sigh – i’m tired now… time for sleep. I get to go to work again tomorrow

and so, i have to self edit… and i just deleted two paragraphs. always have to be thinking… who might be reading this little vanity site… nothing too special. feel free to email me if you really care

finally, prayers for my mom. her cancer treatments are starting to get to her… that’s all I really know.

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