The Re-Christening

And so, for the first time on this lil site of mine I have to ask myself… do I really want to share my thoughts on this subject? Do I really want to be transparent for all to see… for those who know me intimately, see me on a daily basis… for even those people whom this lil post might be about to see me?

Then I realize that if this little experiemental site of mine to let you know what’s going on in my life is to have any validity, to be real at all, then this would be a subject/event that needs be mentioned.

It just feels a little naked.

So, to clarify, Daphne and I are just friends now.

Typing that out seems a touch cold and distant. I guess when you decide that you’re going to write an open note to anyone who might stumble across your very own website, it puts things in perspective so you don’t play the “woe-is-me-watch-as-i-become-melodramatic-and-beseech-you-for-sympathy” card. Is it a huge big deal in the scheme of my life? That a gal that I dated (only dated, mind you) and I have decided that, at this point (see that… always the lingering hope of things unseen) we are to define the context of our relationship as friendship.

This is not the depression-inducing drama of realizing that the girl whom I had money in the bank for a ring is now marrying some other boy she hardly knows. This is not the shock of having a friend whom you had been such good friends wih decide she couldn’t be with you because you wouldn’t have sex with her. This is not getting to college and finding that the high school crush of years who got there a few weeks before you had already found a football player to flirt with.

This is the girl, whom I dated for a month and half, and I, having a succesful dating-relationship.

Why successful? My philosophy on dating is this… you date (if the dating step is needed) to answer the question: should we be in a relationship or not. This step can often be skipped if you area already friends and from there you can stumble in to round two of romance: a relationship (in which the goal is to answer the question should you get married or not). So we have played that game and found our answer of the dating question: no, we should not engage in a romantic relationship (at this time). Yes, we should continue the friendship because it is pleasurable to us both.

So why is this so bothersome?

Probably because, whether I want to admit it (brag it, seems more apt), I am a leader by nature. I look back in my life… I lead the group of Christians in my high school who had the audacity to actually form a bible study in a public school. In college I handpicked my friends to make a closley-woven group of perfect dynamics. And here in Nashville, I struggle to introduce friend to friend to friend.

Of course, all that leads to when I find someone new that I enjoy, I tend to speak on them… an introduction without the person even being there. Now; magnify that by someone I enjoy enough to say “yes, I will share the yoke of dating you on a regualr basis (not a one-off).” I don’t know that there’s a single person with whom I’ve come into communicatory contact with in the past month who has not heard the name “Daphne” from my vocal chords.

Now I get to recant and explain that Daphne and I are not dating, but instead are friends. And while I’m ok with that… I know how these things go. People want to know why. People want to sympathize and so on and so forth.

If you are reading this, understand: I don’t know why. Guess the romance spark didn’t click enough… or the wasn’t enough effort to decide that it was worth sparking.

Or, I can be truly transparent and say what I’m really thinking.

What I’m really thinking is this world has hurt hearts so badly that we humans look away when we find something different. We are scared to embrace that which is a mystery. Because of a differing background, a differing opinion we question the saftey of this brave, bold (prideful?), new person. Or because we’ve made so many mistakes in the past that we don’t want to share our burden with someone else… afraid they’ll buckle under the weight of our own worlds we drag around behind us. Or maybe we’re scared that this other being, this spirit that my spirit is so attentive to, might get hurt by us.

Daphne was the first gal I know who told me that it was ok if she felt bad if she did something to hurt me. The first date to tell me not to apologize for letting her know when she did so. The first date to apologize for it… and mean it… and the first girl I can say that I saw an active drive to not do that same thing again.

And blah blah blah I feel like I’m writing something not quite right. Like I’m missing the morale of the story.

Oh, I get it.

I keep saying I.

I guess that’s the nature of changes in romance. I was quite happy with dating Daphne. I was quite unoccustomed to and cofused by the slow nature of our romantic pace… but that slow smooth burn was intruging me, leading me… somewhere. I just didn’t know where or when we’d get there. Unfortunately it appears that slow smooth burn wasn’t because that’s the natural order of things like relationships. It was because Daphne wasn’t quite into the dating me thing. The dividing point became then where I was headed and where Daphne was headed – too much I not enough we.

And I’m still talking. Blah blah blah.

Blogs: the catharthis of emotion for people who have too much time on their hands.

I guess that’s the problem here for me. I was happy dating Daphne… happy enough that I had integrated her into my life. Mom and Dad and Sharon have seen her picture. Logan and Mark and Wicker have met her. The boss at work and Rena want to meet her. So while I chose to integrate Daphne as the girl I’m dating… Daphne chose to integrate me into her life as a friend.

I’m ok with that (I know, my babbling makes it sound like I’m not). I guess that’s the real reason i’m posting this elongated explanation – friends of Aaron, we must re-christen Daphne not as the-gal-Aaron-is-dating but the friend-of-Aaron’s-who-is-neat.

This means no name calling or car egging or general talking bad about her in my prescence. No “you can do better” because only God knows who I’ll be with; someone “better,” “worse,” or just plain “different” (you should all know me by now to know that there is no “better” or “worse” person in my life.. everyone is beautful, everyone is a God-creation).

Note to self: Aaron, this is girl number #3 (Jen G and Ashleigh) whom you dated and never kissed. All three turned from romance to friendship all too soon. Is the bond of a kiss that strong? And the bond of respect, the bond of patience that weak? What, pray tell, is the balance between the two?

Answer to self: By not kissing you did to save much heart-ache, I imagine. Don’t kiss until time is right. Don’t think about it so much.

I keep saying “for now,” as in some sort of suggestion that there’s more to the story. That there might be a round 2 of romance for one Miss Daphne and I. You never know… but I don’t expect it. Daphne captured my attention, but I don’t know that she really tried to capture my heart. In respect of her, nothing more happens until she makes a try for that heart. A try for attention won’t get it now… we are friends. Attention is expected. Ball is in her court… for now.

I think I’m done typing now. Doubtful that I’m done churning this in my head… confident that Daphne and I will remain friends. And so, the waves of change following being single begin a new…

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